dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count
current mood: depressed
i’ve come to realize that all of my heroes would probably hate me if they met me. everyone starts to distance themselves from me once they really get to know to me. i’ve had people cut off all contact with me only to find out weeks later that they were off running their mouths about me and how “toxic” i was. how i was depressing to be around. i can’t really blame them. and i can't imagine my views are popular with other zoomers. even if they did agree with them (and i think that deep down, most of them know i'm right, unless they're completely brainwashed) they would never admit it.
i’m jaded and bitter even by zoomer standards. everyone knows that the planet is burning and the american education system is merely a tool to turn our youth into good little worker bees and drones. but i don’t think many are ready to admit that communism/socialism would never work out in real life, corona is just a spicy version of the flu, or that transsexualism is a psyop to get the mentally ill to buy more drugs.
clown world didn’t start with 9/11 like many believe. it started the moment gender studies was introduced into schools. or rather, the seeds were planted. at this point it’s so deeply indoctrinated into society that it’s like a hereditary mutation. today’s youth
are the children of the children of the millenials, who are the children of the hippies (where it all started).
nothing gives me happiness anymore. nothing. i find myself staring at a screen for hours. scrolling, clicking. what am i looking for? what is the purpose of this ritual? i don’t know anymore. i guess at some point this used to give me a dopamine rush. it doesn’t anymore, but i keep doing it. maybe i think that someday whatever tiny amount of happiness it initially gave me will return, but i know it won’t. nothing does. everything i do, i do out of habit. whatever end goal i was once supposed to achieve by carrying out these actions no longer exists.
current music: "erotik" by lifelover
current mood: depressed
i went to my favorite thrift store today and it was unironically one of the most painful experiences i’ve had in a long time. the store was packed with young people my age. all of them accompanied by a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. they were mostly e-girl types, but there were a couple preppy ones. there were two jocks/frat boys and i heard them snicker as they passed me by. laugh at the fat, ugly girl trying to be cool. laugh at the wannabe. because that’s all i’ll ever be. a wannabe.
i make fun of e-thots a lot, but i think that deep down, i’m jealous of them. i want to have the sort of power they do. i wonder what that’s like, to be wanted. i want to be wanted. i pretend to be content with being an outcast. i even play it up. i’m sure most people assume i’m some edgy white male incel just from reading the “rants” section of this website. but i’m not. this personality is just another cope in a sea of copes.
i don’t know why i ever go outside at this point, honestly. every time i see happy normies, it’s like pouring salt in an open wound. a reminder of my wasted youth.
i can hear my dad talking about "bruce jenner mutilating himself" in the other room kek. he can be surprisingly based sometimes when he's not spouting NPC bullshit
current music: "the queen is dead" by the smiths
current mood: depressed
seeing skinny people looking good in their clothes makes me want to hate crime myself. i just got this nice top today. i ordered this cute top in the mail today and i was just staring at myself in the mirror silently dying inside. you ever just find yourself staring at the mirror for like 20 minutes straight out of pure self-hatred? all of the clothes i want to wear were made for tiny asian girls. i couldn't pull off any of the styles i like.
i don't have the willpower to become an actual anorexic. i just restrict for a few days and then go back to binging. i do it half-heartedly, just like everything else.
i feel like buffalo bill whenever i try on girly clothes. like i'm wearing somebody elses skin.
current music: "forever in your heart" by black dresses
current mood: depressed
i'm never going to be happy. nothing will make me happy. there isn't some serotonin fairy who's going to come along and leave a new brain under my pillow. i've noticed all of my "body goals" were other people; people who looked nothing like myself. i'll wake up one day, see a person and think "i want to look like that." i model myself after them. then i see another person, and the cycle repeats again. i don't know what i want. i don't have an "ideal body." i just want to be somebody else.
current mood: neutral
i didn't detransition because i wasn't trans. i detransitioned because masculinity is a desolate wasteland of suffering, expected self-sacrifice, entitlement, toxic competitivity, incredibly high expectations, disposability, arrogance and impertinence. this is why so many young white men are trooning out these days - who wouldn't take the opportunity to escape all that? especially when you're a desperate, easily manipulated autistic incel and you've been groomed to believe that you can be an uwu cute anime girl. i don't get why this is so hard for /pol/tards to understand.
they say "why can't you just be a feminine guy?", not realizing that "just being a feminine guy" is a fate worse than death. ever since christianity became the dominant religion in the western world, gender non-conforming men have been shunned. woman cuts her hair short, no one bats an eye. guy wears a dress and everyone loses their minds.
when i was around 8 or 9 years old, my dad invited his friend neil (who, previously to his visit, he only knew from the internet and had never met irl) over to stay at our house. one day we all went out to dinner together. we were standing in the parking lot outside of the restaurant when i bent over to pick something up. neil took the opportunity to pinch my ass. he then laughed and said "sorry, i'm immature."
maybe it's petty that i'm still angry about something that pales in comparison to the experiences of many. but the thing that really sticks out to me about this memory in particular is not the action itself, but the reaction it garnered from my parents. both of them just laughed it off. they saw what happened, and they laughed. they never confronted him about it, and we never spoke of it ever again.
perhaps this memory sticks with me because that was the day i realized humans don't actually care about other people, and women are no exception. woman will easily betray one of their own kind if it means they gain something from it - in this case, if either of my parents spoke up, they could risk losing the friendship with neil. they cared more about preserving their social life then they do about protecting their own child. my own mother, who was supposed to protect me, who always told me to speak up if someone was ever being sexually innapropriate with me, stayed quiet when it actual happened. "we all believe we'd run into the burning building...but until we feel that heat, we can never know."
the japanese say you have three faces. the first face, you show to the world. the second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. the third face, you never show anyone. it is the truest reflection of who you are.
i am aware people already see me as a bitter and jaded person, but i have so much bottled up anger that no one has ever seen, not even myself. all that toxic masculinity and so-called "edge" is just the tip of the iceberg. just another mask. i've spent so much time wearing different masks, creating all these characters for myself to play that i've forgotten who i actually am.
the headaches are back, and worse than ever. i could barely do anything before, and now it's worse.
i'm starting to think i'm not really trans, and this all just yet another coping mechanism. maybe i don't want to be a man, i want to return to the innocence of my youth, a time before i felt constantly sexualised. i felt sexualised by men from such a young age, having my appearance scrutinized. in a way, ugly men actually have it better than ugly women, because when you're a woman, you are told your entire life that your sex appeal determines your worth as a person. at least ugly men can make a name for themselves in other ways. this is why there are no ugly female celebrities. try to think of one, you can't. ugly woman are invisible.
i feel like my sexuality is no longer my own. it's been stolen from me. i was sexually harrassed before i even became aware of my own sexuality.
i can't run away from the pain anymore. but i don't know what to do. i've been running away from it my whole life.
current music: "scott 4" by scott walker
current mood: numb
no one told me it would be like this. sure, they give you all the lectures. they tell you about bullying and bad grades, drug-fueled house parties and cheerleaders with bulimia. they tell you about the dangers of unprotected sex and AIDS and teen pregnancy. but what are you supposed to do when none of these things happen to you? or rather, when you're never put in a situation where you would even be exposed to these things? what about the losers, the non-people with non-lives? we're doomed to navigate our non-adolescence the same way we've navigated our entire lives - alone. they wander the earth, a shadow of a shadow, never knowing what it's like to be the center of attention, to be loved or wanted or even seen at all.
nothing could possibly prepare you for the ennui. the constant fatigue that comes with repreating the same tired routine every morning, and going to bed knowing that you have accomplished nothing. the nights you spend awake, staring at the cracks in the wall, imagining what could've been. you were warned about drugs and peer pressure, but there is no DARE for loneliness, and you would kill for any friends at all. hell, if your peers pressure you into doing the same drugs as them, doesn't that mean they see you as 'one of them?' do you know how many people dream of having that kind of companionship? it's a privilege.
there's something admirable about the way normies just trudge through life, completely unaware of their surroundings, and of the fact that they are going to die. ignorance is bliss...how i wish i could be ignorant. i can't see anything beautiful without being reminded of how it's going to die someday. i can't imagine what it must be like to live without fear. fear of responsibility, fear of growing up, fear of being alone, fear of never being enough - and of course, the constant fear that comes with being aware of our impending doom.
i think i got diddled as a kid, but the thing is i don't remember anything about my childhood and my parents deny that anything ever happened. there was my dad's creepy friend who was sexually innapropriate with me, but that doesn't count. i'm not particularly fond of my parents, but i don't think they would lie about something as life-changing as this. yet i displayed a lot of the signs in this picture when i was younger, and even now.
when i was around 8 or 9 (i don't remember the exact age, as i said before i don't remember my childhood) i suddenly developed an irrational fear of men, especially hispanic men for some reason, as well as teenage boys. not very PC of me, i know. i mostly got over the fear of men, but i still sometimes have a minor panic attack when i see teenage boys on the street, especially ones that remind me of my school bullies. this was also the age when many of my mental health issues started to manifest - including my dysphoria.
i'm so sick of starving myself constantly and not losing any weight. i deny myself of one of the only pleasures i have in life, and for what? nothing. this has to be from the medication. i'm going to taper off prozac and see if it helps.
well, something good actually happened for once. i made $35 bucks a really odd fetish video for some weirdo. yep, that's ya boi, classy as always. i wasn't naked so it wasn't CP (plus, i lied and told him i was 18). i still need more money, but this is a milestone nonetheless.
i can hear my mother talking to my math teacher in the other room. she talks about me as if i'm a retarded child who needs everything explained to me. i don't know why they're talking, but i can assume it's about homework. the fucking twat gives out these homework assignments the length of your average proust novel every day and then gets mad when i don't do them. even when i do the work, he always complains that i'm not putting in any effort. nothing is ever enough for him. the worst part is that my parents love this guy, every time they talk i hear them sucking his dick over what a great teacher he is for putting so much pressure on me. you thought asian parents were bad, wait till you see jewish parents.
current mood: numb
3:00 AM on a scool night and i'm wide awake. typical.
i can't stop thinking about that "you will never be a woman" copypasta. it haunts me. obviously i'm not mtf, but still applies to me. even passing trannies will never be seen as "real women", or vice versa if ftm. we are a third gender; fetish objects at best; subhuman freaks at worst.
i'll never forget the day i had to go to school to pick up something for a project, and i was standing in a line of other guys my age. they just knew. too polite to say anything to my face, but they knew. my tiny skull, my feminine facial planes, my dwarfish height, my wide hips. why did i ever think i had a chance? it was over before it even began. sure if you put me next of a group of girls, i could pass for their gay best friend, but put me next to a group of cis males and i'd stick out like a sore thumb. the most i could ever hope for is tubby manlet or greasy incel/school shooter.
it's little moments of truth like these that make me wonder if i should just go back in the closet. "repress so you don't look like the ftm version of a hon", they say. "if you transition, you'll become one of the 41%." but all signs point to the rope. repress or not, i know exactly how this will end. besides, the idea of being buried in a dress viscerally disgusts me. i might just enbymaxx on t as a cope. presenting male gives me imposter syndrome.
current mood: numb
current music: "deathconscioussness" by have a nice life
hearing adults complain about their lives is pure suicide fuel, especially when it's coming from the same people constantly sperging about how "it gets better." if by "getting better", you mean "going from wasting almost all of your free time studying shit you'll never use in real life while simultaneously being used as a punching bag for genetically superior males to wageslaving for a corporation that doesn't give a shit about you or people like you while being forced to kiss the ass of your sociopathic boss so that you don't get fired from your dead-end job", then sure, it gets better.
it doesn't matter who you are, if you're not at the top of the social pyramid, you're at the bottom. for people like you, life will always be a pointless rat race for you. you gave up on your childhood dreams a long time ago, so now all you have left are pathethic little goals. get promoted, get the raise. you tell yourself that once you accomplish these goals, they will give your life some semblance of meaning, or rather an illusion of it. but they won't. nothing will.
look around you. this is what it's going to be like when you're 30. this is what it's going to be like when you're 50. this is what it's going to be like until the day you die. you can cope by calling me an edgelord or an angsty teenager, but it won't change the fact that in your heart, you know i'm right.
current mood: numb
i remember almost nothing about my childhood before puberty (the onset of my dysphoria). apparently it's common for victims of abuse to block out their childhood memories, but i was never abused, just bullied.
it started really early so i missed out on a lot of normal socialization which caused me to become even more of a weird kid. it seemed like there was just this consensus that i was beneath everyone else (which i internalized). even when other kids weren't going out of there way to ostracize me, i could just tell. i can feel it my fucking bones, i'm not like them. alone. surrounded by people, but always alone.
i think my alienation was part of what caused me to gravitate towards alternative subculture as i got older. if i reclaimed being a freak, they couldn't use that word to hurt me anymore. it was a kind of alienation that i could control. being alternative/"goth" was probably the first identity i developed outside of just being "the weird kid." there's something strangely empowering about having people fear you, especially when you've been pitied for so long.
current mood: depressed
current music: "cause of death: life" by happy days
i let it slip around my parents that i have a paypal account. they said i had to let them change my password or they would report my acc to the paypal people and it would be deleted alltogether. now i have to make another paypal account and start all over again if i want to buy hrt. honestly at this point i would rather just rope.
this feeling, it never goes away. i try to drown it in alcohol, i try to cut it out like a tumor. and yes, i fucking talked to someone, so stop asking me, okay? i'm on a cocktail of psychiatric medications at all times and i have 3 different therapists. so yeah, i fucking tried. but it's become a part of me. it's always there, it's like my shadow.
all i want for christmas is to be a real man
i am terrified that i am exactly like a combination of elliot rodger and bojack horseman.
the more i read about elliot, the more i see myself in him, and that scares the shit out of me. not because i think i might be capable of violence, but because he was fucking pathetic. the thing was, he wasn't even ugly. he was just a massive fucking autist. like me, he was simultaneously a narcissistic entitled prick and a self-hating hapa. ER would've been better off if he actually just embraced his asian side. his problem was deluding himself to think he was "white enough", not realizing that half asian men like him are treated like full asian ones with the one drop rule. had he embraced his fate, he would have been in a better position to address the dilemmas of being an asian male in a dominant white male society.
the thing is, even if ER did get laid, it wouldn't have cured his hatred and jealousy. he was an unhappy narcissistic cunt, he'd just continue to find more things about his life to bitch about. women/sex were just trophies to him, a symbol of social status. and that's what keeps me up at night. the possiblity that even if i did have everything i ever wanted, i would still find something to bitch about.
current mood: numb
current music: "deathconscioussness" by have a nice life
you know, i was gonna cut back on the drinking because i'm trying to lose weight but today i got this message from my math teacher and i was just like "fuck it drinking time" lmao
the way my tolerance for alcohol has increased so dramatically in such a short period of time is kind of crazy. i can't have anything in moderation. it's always been like this. if i'm self-harming, it has to be these huge gashes. when i had an eating disorder, i lost a huge amount of weight in like a month. i used to be disgusted by the taste of alchohol, now i can literally chug it like a fucking frat boy.
my mom walked in my room and saw the wine because my dumb ass forgot to put it away. fml
i hate my fucking math teacher, he just called me out in front of the whole class. i'm so glad i won't be alive to deal with this shit in a few years.
one of my earliest memories is my PE teacher sitting me in front of the entire class and saying that i was an example of what not to do. throughout my early life i was always a target for bullying, mainly because bullies knew that they could do it to me with no consequences. i couldn't fight back, and no one else cared enough to stand up for me.
i have 3 therapists, currently. T, S, and A. T and S are okay. A, however is a whole different story. the first time i met her, she misgendered me like 3 times in one day, even after i corrected her. she clearly knows nothing about dysphoria, she constantly gets it mixed up with body dysmorphia. it's hilarious to watch her feeble fucking mind try to grasp the concept. she's also literally the epitome of the stacey/dumb blonde stereotype, she reminds me of this picture.
current music: "deathconsciousness" by have a nice life
fuck. i underestimated how hard it is to get t, since it's a controlled substance. i've heard i'm almost jealous of mtfs, diy hrt is so easy for them. i've heard ugfreak and shapeshifter have t, but i think you need to use bitcoin.
i might just do androgel for now like i originally planned. it's so expensive, though. it's buy 3 get 1 free, though, so i can get 4 50mg packets for 40. that's enough to last for...about a week. shit. no, i have to do injections.
god, i'm gonna fucking kill myself if i have to go through full female puberty. what a miserable existence.
i'm so tired. i can't bear to look at myself in the mirror. i am a failure. i failed at being a woman, i failed at being a man. i don't want to feel this way forever, but i can't imagine anything else. i can't imagine anything more than this. can you blame me? i mean, look at how the others turned out. prostitutes and junkies, suicides and wasted lives. i just wish there was a cure.
my whole body, my being hurts. it feels like "my" body is no longer is no longer my own. they told me that i can't transition because i'm making irreversible changes that i will regret, but they force me to watch as my own body becomes something unrecognizable to me. i feel like a mutated freak, i think i'm starting to dissasociate because of the intense dysphoria. i can literally feel the changes happening to my body, as i write this. i'm not going to go in depth about it, because it just makes the dysphoria worse. transitioning seems like a distant dream.
you can't possibly understand what it's like unless you've experienced it. cis people, especially cis women and TERFS obssessed with "saving" FTMs, seem to think they understand. they don't. saying a cis teenager feeling weird about the changes their body goes through during puberty is in away comparable to gender dysphoria is like comparing a mole to a cancerous tumor. god, i fucking hate them. especially the ones that try to pretend they understand. i feel like i know how black people feel about whites with a "white savior complex" know.
i guess i could go to the gym and talk to some gymbros, but how? do i just walk up to them and start talking? it doesn't help that i'm a skinnyfat 5'6 unpassaple autistic manlet.
current music: never mind the bollocks, here's the sex pistols by the sex pistols
i should’ve never asked my mom for help setting up my bank account. fuck. i’m an idiot. but then again, it’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. if i do let her, she’ll see all of the transactions, and i won’t be able to buy it. if i don’t, i won’t be able to transfer the money into my bank account.
i know what i’m going to do. i’ll buy it from overseas. well, ABD will, and i’ll pay him back for it.
god, it gives me a rage boner just thinking about it. using their own money to pay for the treatments they denied me for years. they gave me life, and i spit in their fucking faces. it’s such a glorious this is the final “fuck you.” you can’t control me anymore. fucking hypocrites, you tell me i’m too young to know what i want to do with my body and then you force me to sit there and watch as my body becomes unrecognizable to me, like an animal suffering disfiguring mutations from nuclear fallout. you think i would just put up with it? ha. so naïve. i would destroy myself just to spite you.
a band i did a split with are blowing up rn due to a very popular influencer who made a video about them yesterday. so by default, my streams are also skyrocketing (or at least, "skyrocketing" by my standards). obviously they're always going to overshadow me because of this, but i try to see it as a "glass half full" situation.
current mood: amused
SOMEONE DEADASS JUST ASKED IF MASTURBATING AFFECTS DICK SIZE IN SEX ED BWAHAHAHAHAH
current mood: depressed
current music: s/t by jesu
i wish i killed myself when it started. i'm not really suicidal, i'm a poser. if i was, i would've done it 5 years ago.
i think i'll wait a few more years. to see if anything improves.
i'm scared i'm always going to feel this way. it's been like this since i was 8 or 9. they told me it would get better, but it only gets worse. i don't even feel anymore, it's weird. i'm numb. i used to feel emotions really deeply. now i don't anymore, not even sadness. it feels like i'm observing someone else's life, not my own. watching from a distance. when something bad happens in my life, i don't really have an emotional reaction. i just sort of think "huh, well that sucks", and move on.
i haven't had the motivation to work on my music or do anything lately. i just feel totally drained. not to mention i'm just so tired of failing at everything. people will tell you to follow your dreams and then, when you do, they'll tell you you're not good enough. so i just stopped trying. nothing i do is ever good enough.
i need more alcohol. no amount ever seems to fill the void.
current music: "songs from the big chair" by tears for fears
what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life? i have no special talents, no ambitions. i'm shit at everything i do. i wanted to be a comedy writer. ironic, i know. the sad thing is, i think i'm pretty funny, but no one else does. i was somewhat of a class clown in middle school. then i realized, they weren't laughing with me, they were laughing at me. i enjoy writing too, but no one else appreciates my work.
in the past, guys like me would have been drafted and sent off to war. i almost wish that would happen to me, because at least then i would have some sort of purpose for my life.
i'm out of gin
current music: "music, martinis and misanthropy" by boyd rice
i hate people. i hate having to participate in their petty fucking conflicts and pretend i care about their inane issues. when (and if) all of this is over, i'm just gonna buy some unabomber cabin in the woods and blow my brains out never talk to anyone again.
i wish i could make a career out of my own misanthropy somehow. sure, i could write songs about it, but no one actually makes a living being a musician anymore. well, not ugly white guys at least. they're all trust fund kids, even the "subversive/edgy" ones like dorian electra. plants.
current mood: depressed
current music: "the downward spiral" by nine inch nails
i need to open up a bank account so i can buy hrt without my parents finding out. i don't know if i can afford testosterone injections or even where to buy them, there seems to be a lot more information on mtf hrt than ftm online.
i hate being a tranny. being a tranny is literally is the worst fate imaginable. everyone hates trannies, even the other degenerates and social rejects. we're the lowest of the low. strangers in a strange land, basically.
i'm still thinking about that fucking girl. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm so lonely. i know MC loves me, but it isn't enough. nothing is ever enough for me. it's like feeling alone in a room full of people.
current mood: depressed
current music: "nothing feels good" by the promise ring
you remember the girl from middle school i talked about before? well, not only is she not going to my high school, i managed to track down her new instagram account, and apparently she is now a he. and has a girlfriend.
fuck. i know how this sounds. i must look really entitled. i know, i know, i should be happy for "him" and everything. but it fucking hurts. i'm never gonna make it. i'm just gonna listen to a lot of 90s emo and cry myself to sleep tonight.
on the bright side, today a relatively well-known noise musician, one who's been reviewed by fantano and whose work i take a lot of inspiration from, complimented me on my music and gave me some feedback (no pun intended). so that's pretty cool. still existentially depressed and everything, but y'know.
just found out my mom still refers to me as "she" behind my back. no surprises there, i've known that cunt was a literal terf for years. she literally thinks ftms are coping butch lesbians and/or failed women who just can't deal with the burdens of being female. bitch, what burden? at this point in our society, women are the privileged ones. hell, i'd go as far as to say that if you gave all the feminists that screech about misogyny a button that, when pushed, would eliminate it,they wouldn't do it. because deep down, they know that misogyny can actually benefit women. women get asspats simply for existing. not only can that they make a living out of whoring themselves out, they even get praised for it because it's "empowering." women are allowed to display emotions, while men are mocked for having them. just go to any funeral, you'll see women sobbing hysterically while the men just stand solemnly, like statues. women get to live life on easy mode. you wanna know why? misogyny. women are given special treatment specifically becayse they are seen as weaker than men. by socially transitioning, i didn't opt out of the "hardships" of being a woman. i made a sacrifice - i gave up my female privilege to sooth my crippling dysphoria.
i fuckin hate sex ed, this shit makes me dysphoric as fuck. that's all. i don't even know why they teach it. do they really think 14 year olds don't know how sex works? i mean, even if your parents don't give you "the talk", you're going to find out someway or anything, through the internet, your peers, etc.
i hate my parents too. my mom is a hypersensitive little bitch who overreacts to everything i say or do and my dad is a simp who always takes her side in arguments. every time i talk to her she finds something to whine about. and they wonder why i stay in my room all the time.
current music: "pulver" by lifelover
my fucking computer broke because someone spilled soy sauce on it and now i have to use my mom's computer to do my work and it's slow as fuuuuck. now i spilled gin on my homework, haha. i need more coca-cola to water down the gin with. i love the feeling drinking gives me but i hate the taste. i'll have to get a new chromebook from the school. this sucks.
LS is coming over later today, but i'm still in a terrible mood. i hate this fucking house, i would way rather go over to her house but my mom says she's too busy. it sounds weird but i genuinely do hate this house. i know it doesn't make any sense to hate an inanimate object, but i do. this house represents suffering. everything started going downhill when we moved here. come to think of it, i don't think i have any positive memories related to this house.
current music: "hinterkaifeck" by giles corey
got confronted by my parents about my missing assignments, so that was nice. why is life considered a "gift?" life isn't something i enjoy, it's a burden. nonexistance, now that's a gift. i don't want to continue existing, but i don't want to cease to exist. i wish i never existed at all. that way, i wouldn't have to kill myself. there's no "self" to kill in the first place.
daniel "faglord" perez (yes i am allowed to say that because i am bi, you fucking faggot) has once again sabotaged my mission of passing his class. i tried to go to office hours again and i still couldn't access the document.
i'm scared. mr perez flipped out on me yesterday and sent me this e-mail:
the truth is that i was interrupted by my parents in the middle of class, they were asking me to do something, and i had to leave. i pressed the "exit meeting" button by accident. i tried to get back in but i couldn't. then i tried to go to office hours, and i couldn't access the document for some reason. i sent him a message explaining what happened but he didn't respond.
i also missed an assessment yesterday. i don't know what to do, i don't want to talk to him again. i hate him, he's a little bitch and most of this is his fault anyways. and anyways, what the fuck do you expect when you have no problem failing students and won't let people e-mail you? respect?
current music: "goodbye love...hello heartache" by hanging garden
my math teacher has taken to giving out Desmos homework assignments that range from 14-20 pages long. like mini-tests, almost. i can't keep up with all the work. i downed a disgusting mixture of flat root beer and gin. or at least, what i hope is gin. i found it stashed away in a cupboard in the bathroom so one can't be too sure. i might have just drank rubbing alcohol for all i know. not that i care about my health. i'm such a pussy, i try to drink to cope, and then i feel even worse because it makes me nauseous.
i hate this fucking house so much. i hate my parents, i hate myself, i hate my "job" (i don't actually have a job, i'm a student, but america's education system is basically the equivalent to your average soul-sucking office job, mental health-wise). i know how angsty that sounds, but when i say that i fucking mean it. it kills you inside. every fucking day i wake up staring at the blank white walls of my room, in a house we can't afford, in a neighborhood where we are basically treated as the token "weird family" that never get's invited to anything. i sit in on the couch all day, hunched over, staring at the tiny talking heads on a glowing screen and somehow THIS is supposed to be "the new normal?" is this the american dream? because if so, i reject it.
ok so something happened and i need to talk about it
i'm just gonna "greentext" this
>a few months ago, don’t remember the exact date
>i am a musician
>i get compared to Giles Corey a lot, who happens to be on The Flenser label
>look into the label and the artists on it
>look up their demo policy
>they accept submissions (physical only)
>work up the courage to send my demo to them
>it’s a handmade cassette complete with lyrics sheet and my contact info
>convinced that these guys will “get” my music
>weeks, then months, pass
>they never responded
>flash forward to today
>something sparked my memory, i don’t remember what, and i remember the demo
>visit The Flenser website
>they changed their demo policy
>they changed their fucking demo policy right after i submitted my mine
i know it's not personal (or at least, i hope that it isn't), but it still feels like a punch in the gut.
i don't feel a reason to see the sunrise again
current music: "i wish i would never wake up" by sun devoured earth
my parents go through my grades online and force me to redo any school assignments i get a bad grade on. personally i don't give a shit if i get a bad grade, just passing is enough for me. and i'm focused on english class anyways. today i have to redo a video i made for science class. i never get a fucking break. my feelings don't matter to them. they act like they care. they don't. they only care when it affects them, their image.
i don't want to live with myself anymore
current mood: anxious
current music: "in my blood" by suffocate for fuck sake
i have this horrible sinking feeling in my chest, the kind you get when something really bad is about to happen. i want to throw up. i don't know why. nothing bad happened today. well, nothing that bad. i promised ABD i would call him. i realized i had a missed call from him yesterday. i don't want to call him. we've just been drifting further and further apart lately. it's just a distant memory at this point.
i talked to my therapist today. i told her how i did all the things perez asked me to do and i still have an f. she says i need to confront him about this.
it's in my blood
i'm in your blood
give me life and i will give you death
current music: "happiness is not an option" by no pleasure in life
my parents and i had another zoom meeting with my therapist. my parents won't let me wear a binder. my mom (who is basically a terf) compared it to chinese women being forced to bind their feet and corsets. she thinks it's "self-loathing." no shit it's self-loathing. that's what gender dysphoria is. i told them to their faces that it doesn't matter because i'm just going to end up having a masectomy anyways.
the more they try to tell me that i've been brainwashed by the media (which i haven't, i've always been like this), the more determined i am to transition as soon as i get of this house. mostly because of my crippling dysphoria, but also just to spite them.
current music: "the places you have come to fear the most" by dashboard confessional
i didn't think this was significant or weird enough to put in the dream journal, but i dreamt that i went to my high school IRL (I haven't actually gone to a real class there because of corona) and this girl i had a big crush on in middle school was there. i woke up feeling sad. i regret never asking her out. i think she liked me, she complimented my appearance a lot and once called me "pretty." it's too late now. i had a chance, and i blew it. i never thought i had a chance with her. i hadn't even thought about her until i had that dream, and now i'm all bummed out about it. gee, thanks, subconscious mind. you always make sure to remind me of all my regrets. sigh
i hope that you're happy
you really deserve it
this will be the best for both of us in the end
current music: "end position" by street sects
my parents are having another argument about god knows what. i fucking hate it when they argue in front of me and then get mad when i withdraw and don't want to talk to them, or come up to me and ask me if "something's wrong." yes, something is fucking wrong. why are you acting like you weren't screaming and swearing at each other a few seconds ago? it's all so goddamn tiring.
wake up and say something
do something, make something
pretend to feel something
wait for the day to end
current mood: horny
current music: the lost highway soundtrack
i am extremely fucking horny. i don't know why. it just happened. i'm not sure if i should even be writing about this. but hey, i think i already crossed that line when i started posting long suicidal rants and pictures of my slashed up arms. anyways, i literally woke up in the middle of the night and started jacking off.
do you ever find yourself constructing entire relationships in your head? it's sad, i know. but i'm never satisfied with any of my real life relationships. my current gf, MC, well....she's a prude. now you might think i'm being unfair. "here he goes again, complaining about girls not wanting to indulge in his weird sexual fantasies." no, she's seriously a prude. as in a "we've known each other for years and we still haven't had sex" prude. it's weird, because i KNOW she loves me. i KNOW she cares about me. she's a super sweet girl. i really don't want to be mean. she puts all of this effort into making little handmade presents for me and is very affectionate in other ways. so it baffles me, the sex thing. i'm honestly starting to wonder if she's asexual or something. anyways, ABD was the exact opposite. on one hand, he was great in bed and knew exactly what turned me on. but he's afraid of committment, to the point where it makes me doubt if he ever actually loved me.
i need to find someone else, someone new. but how?
it's not enough, just a touch.
i actually feel really good today. it feels so strange to be happy. it's such an alien feeling. biden won. we're celebrating by having a nice dinner. just good vibes all around i guess.
current music: "the sunshine always fades" by sun devoured earth
someone with a much larger following than me told me that my music is shit, specifically this:
that triggered a minor breakdown. i'm not usually this sensitive, i get comments like this all the time. but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
i've set my instagram and youtube channel to private. that comment made me think about how pathetic i am. i literally have to shill my shit on the internet to get any views or attention. it's not the quality of my music that's the problem. there are plenty of terrible musicians who are famous. it's something that i was born with. it's in my fucking blood, i can't change it. if i had the connections, if i had rich parents, i wouldn't be in this situation right now.
i cut the shit out of myself, and still i literally cannot feel anything. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING FEEL? i need to find another way. i might start drinking or smoking. cutting doesn't work anymore. preferably a sedate. maybe tranquilizers
i will never be the next lingua ignota or uboa. no one will care enough about my music to write/talk about it. my "fans" are literally a couple of people on RYM who added me as a friend back when i still used that website and maybe some hipsters who spend too much time on bandcamp searching for obscure music.
and it doesn't end there. I FUCKING SEE HOW THIS IS GOING TO TURN OUT. THERE'S ONLY ONE FORSEEABLE FUTURE FOR ME, AND IT DOESN'T RESEMBLE A "FUTURE" AT ALL.
i will end up working at a soul-sucking office job just to get by. i will abandon all my hopes and dreams, because being "creative" doesn't mean SHIT in the real world. i will never find love. no one wants to date an ugly tranny freak, much less one who is literally covered in self-inflicted scars. i will still obsess over my first love. eventually i will either rope myself or die of natural causes, alone and forgotten. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE FUCKING "GIFTED" KIDS. THERE IS A PATTERN HERE. DO YOU SEE IT?
current music: "diary" by sunny day real estate
when i say i'm heartbroken, i mean that in a very literal sense. i feel like i literally will never love anyone ever again.
fuck you, ABD. you can't just use me and throw me away. i'm not disposable. i'm not your fucking cumrag. i wonder if your girlfriend knows. i know you'll come crawling back to me if/when you break up with her. but this time i won't degrade myself by letting you fuck me on the side while you wait for the next dime-a-dozen alt chick with purple hair and BPD to come along.
current music: "portraits of dying" by malon
it's been a year since my ex-lover left me for someone else. i know i should just get over it already, but i can't. you don't know how it feels. no one knows how it feels.
people say "there are other fish in the sea." it's not that simple. i've never loved anyone the way the way i loved him. it's just not the same. i connected with him on a deeper level.
when i was suicidal, he was literally the only person who i could talk. he was there when no one else was. he would hold me while i cried. i remember one time he took some duct tape and wrapped up my arms with it so i couldn't cut myself anymore. i did it again today
when he left me, it was like he took a part of me with him. i don't know how to describe it
how the fuck did i get so fat? i used to have a 18 bmi, now i have 23 bmi. seriously, i eat barely anything?!!
current mood: numb
i miss the comfort of being sad
me and LS both went as plague doctors for halloween. not much candy, obviously. we went home pretty quickly. we watched clone high again, then just chilled and talked about life.
feeling extremely dysphoric today. sometimes i post pictures of myself on /lgbt/. i don't know why i do it. i always get told the same thing. i think it's a form of self-harm for me. hey, at least i'm not one of those deluded reddit trannies, right?
i don't know what's wrong with me. something must have happened to me to make me hate my sexual characteristics so much. i wasn't abused. i wish i could just accept it somehow.
i wish i had the motivation to write a song venting about it. but i feel like i've used up every possible combination of words that is out there. i have nothing left to say.
i've had this weird feeling for the last few weeks. like there's a hole inside my heart. seriously, my chest feels physically cold and empty. sometimes i feel like it's a wind tunnel. like there's cold air running through my veins. it reminds me of when i was little, autumn, thanksgiving ceremonies. the brisk air and the dead leaves on the ground. the smell of petrichor and fields for miles.
sometimes i imagine myself merging into the earth. just lying down and letting it consume me. the vines and thorns wrapping around my body. until i am nothing more than a distant memory. a home for the worms
current mood: neutral
i spoke to a pretty prominent artist in the experimental hip-hop scene today, over DMs. we were discussing a possible collab. apparently now he's charging $150 for a feature (even though he was charging $100 like a month ago lol). he's not even that popular in the wide scope of things, his most popular video got like 35k views. but i guess narcissism is to be expected when you're already somewhat of a cult figure at such a young age (which he is). at the end of the day, he's one getting to fuck hot goth chicks while i'm sitting at home obsessively monitoring my bandcamp stats hoping that someone will pay attention to me.
whatever. i'm not that bummed about it. i'm already working on a split with a bigger band.
current mood: neutral
current music: n/a
finally talked to a doctor about the headaches. apparently i'm having tension headaches and i need to meditate and take ibuprophen. she said people who are prone these types of headaches typically have them for the rest of their lives. so yeah. *sigh*
on an unrelated note, i'm scared. i have unreleased material for miles. 2 splits, 6 EPs, 1 compilation, and 9 albums worth, to be specific. but i'm terrified that i have run out of ideas. my hope is that this project will create more, bigger opportunities for me in the future, musically. but i'm not sure if that will ever happen.
i've been reading a lot about sol pais/dissolvedgirl lately. if you're a on this website in the first place, chances are you already know the story. if you don't, you're in for a wild ride. i'm not going to in depth about it/her here for reasons that should be obvious.
seeing her and learning about who she was as a person makes me sad. i know it's cliche and narcissistic and probably false, but i can't help but think "i could have saved her." it's clear, especially after reading her diary entries, that she didn't want to hurt anyone. she was beautiful and smart. she could have been a model. she could probably have anything in the world if she wanted to. why?
perhaps it's the destiny of someone like her, to die in their prime, forever preserved like a taxidermy specimen in a glass jar.
she died alone and cold in the forest. i wonder what that must be like, to have those be your last moments. i often fantasize about dying that way. if i were going to kill myself, i would do the same. the setting has to be right. complete solitude. peace.
sol means sun and is a pretty common name in latin america, also sometimes using as the dimminutive version to soledad which means....loneliness.
current mood: stressed
the headaches are back. i have been having headaches for the past few months. i only have them on weekdays, almost never on weekends. this leads me to believe that they may be stress-induced.
on the bright side, i am working on a split.
i don't want to sound ungrateful but i really wish people would explore my discography beyond my first EP. it's become somewhat of a tourist attraction to RYM avant-teens and i'm afraid when i drop my full-length no one will care. i'm glad and suprised that it got as much attention as it did, but i also feel trapped by it and the way it was received a little. i don't want to be seen as "le sPoOoKy 14 year old musician." i'm not a gimmick or a novelty act.
in other, more serious news, i've been thinking about time, and how it flies. time seems to move so quickly nowadays. i wish i could go back somehow, so badly. i've spent so much of my time thinking about exactly where and why things went wrong for me and every answer falls. like sand falling through your hands. i wish i could just reach out into the void of my psyche and grab a cohesive, clear, answer. but then i look back, and i realize i was the one who ruined my own childhood. i ruined any chance i had of having a social life. i alienated everyone around me...on purpose. but why? why would i do that to myself? i don't know. i was so, so stupid.
i wasn't always like this
i had a pretty good day today actually. it was record store day, so me, my parents, and one of my dad's friends went to the record store together. i didn't buy anything at the record store but i got a new journal and a graphic novel called gloomcookie at the bookstore nearby. then i went to my friend LS's house and we watched clone high and the owl house together.
yesterday was MC's (my girlfriend) birthday so i got to see her and that was nice
my neck really hurts though and i don't know why :(
i feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. i was just told by a teacher that my grade in biology went from a B to a C in like a week because i haven't been doing the exit tickets and missed the wednesday assessment and makeup last week. i'm looking at my grades right now in schoology, and i don't even recognize the names of these assessments that i supposedly didn't do. i wasn't even aware of them. there's a gap in my memory. what's wrong with me? am i just stupid?
also everyone in my class thinks i'm a girl and i'm too afraid to speak up because then they'll know. at my last school, someone who hated me found out, and he used it to make my life hell. my second EP was partially written about him.
those years...they haunt me. no, it's not my memories that haunt me. it's the ghost of my past self that haunts me, a constant reminder that deep down i will always be the same socially inept, unloveable, loser i was back then. i guess it won't come as a surprise to anyone that i was "the weird kid" in middle school. had really bad behavioral issues and just didn't know when to stop. other kids didn't get my sense of humor, plus i would shove my interests down other people's throats. not to mention i also had terrible hygeine, which was also a side effect of my depression. like some sort of mini chris chan. textbook autism, basically (even though i was never diagnosed)
i still remember the time when i snuck a peak at my report card. the teachers basically used it as an excuse to complain about me. they said stuff like "he goes on and on about things other kids don't care about" and that "he doesn't understand why other kids don't like him." that last part, especially, hurt. not just because it basically confirmed my biggest insecurity/fear (being unloved) but also because they assumed i didn't know. i did know and understand why the other kids didn't like me. i'm not stupid, you know.
they didn't physically attack me. no, they were too chickenshit to do something like that. but they made sure to make to let me know i didn't belong there. every second of every day. it's the little things that count. the whispers and giggles in the hallways. the way that they would throw trash in the bathroom stall i was in, or bang on the door. the things they say about you. never to your face, but behind your back, from across the room. you'd hear it from a supposedly well-meaning friend or just some clueless, nosy idiot who doesn't know how to mind their own business.
it's weird. it's like there's a hole in my heart where your childhood memories and nostalgia are supposed to go. i tend to refer to my childhood in the past tense, even though i'm technically still a child. sometimes i wonder if i have some sort of repressed trauma. SOMETHING must have happened in my youth to make me feel so empty and lost from such a young age. but what? yeah, i got bullied throughout my entire life, but everyone got bullied as a kid. the bullying wasn't even that bad in retrospect. no, i'm just weak. i let it get to me. i let them win. wherever eddy garcia is now, i hope he knows that he won. congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel just as hollow and broken as you.
the future is uncertain. i'm scared. scared that nothing will ever be normal or the same ever again
i don't know what to say
i did it again today
current mood: numb
i feel empty inside
i hate my face so much. i will always be doomed to look half my age. so fat and disgusting
i want to start cutting again but my arms are covered in scars and i don't want more
i feel like pure shit rn because i just realized one of the guys who bullied me in middle school is a more successful musician than i am, and his music is ass. i guess it really is true that all you need to "make it" as a musician these days is a rich family and connections in the industry, and i have neither of those things. *sigh*
i don't know how people just l i v e.
i don't know how to fucking do this. a few days ago my teacher asked me what job i want to get and i don't fucking know why or how to even get a job or how any of this works. i can't imagine what it's like to be an adult. i don't want to be a wageslave, i want to live my life and enjoy the tiny insignificant existance i was given on this earth