current music: "nothing feels good" by the promise ring
you remember the girl from middle school i talked about before? well, not only is she not going to my high school, i managed to track down her new instagram account, and apparently she is now a he. and has a girlfriend.
fuck. i know how this sounds. i must look really entitled. i know, i know, i should be happy for "him" and everything. but it fucking hurts. i'm never gonna make it. i'm just gonna listen to a lot of 90s emo and cry myself to sleep tonight.
on the bright side, today a relatively well-known noise musician, one who's been reviewed by fantano and whose work i take a lot of inspiration from, complimented me on my music and gave me some feedback (no pun intended). so that's pretty cool. still existentially depressed and everything, but y'know.
just found out my mom still refers to me as "she" behind my back. no surprises there, i've known that cunt was a literal terf for years. she literally thinks ftms are coping butch lesbians and/or failed women who just can't deal with the burdens of being female. bitch, what burden? at this point in our society, women are the privileged ones. hell, i'd go as far as to say that if you gave all the feminists that screech about misogyny a button that, when pushed, would eliminate it,they wouldn't do it. because deep down, they know that misogyny can actually benefit women. women get asspats simply for existing. not only can that they make a living out of whoring themselves out, they even get praised for it because it's "empowering." women are allowed to display emotions, while men are mocked for having them. just go to any funeral, you'll see women sobbing hysterically while the men just stand solemnly, like statues. women get to live life on easy mode. you wanna know why? misogyny. women are given special treatment specifically because they are seen as weaker than men. by socially transitioning, i didn't opt out of the "hardships" of being a woman. i made a sacrifice - i gave up my female privilege to sooth my crippling dysphoria.
i fuckin hate sex ed, this shit makes me dysphoric as fuck. that's all. i don't even know why they teach it. do they really think 14 year olds don't know how sex works? i mean, even if your parents don't give you "the talk", you're going to find out someway or anything, through the internet, your peers, etc.
i hate my parents too. my mom is a hypersensitive little bitch who overreacts to everything i say or do and my dad is a simp who always takes her side in arguments. every time i talk to her she finds something to whine about. and they wonder why i stay in my room all the time.
current music: "pulver" by lifelover
my fucking computer broke because someone spilled soy sauce on it and now i have to use my mom's computer to do my work and it's slow as fuuuuck. now i spilled gin on my homework, haha. i need more coca-cola to water down the gin with. i love the feeling drinking gives me but i hate the taste. i'll have to get a new chromebook from the school. this sucks.
LS is coming over later today, but i'm still in a terrible mood. i hate this fucking house, i would way rather go over to her house but my mom says she's too busy. it sounds weird but i genuinely do hate this house. i know it doesn't make any sense to hate an inanimate object, but i do. this house represents suffering. everything started going downhill when we moved here. come to think of it, i don't think i have any positive memories related to this house.
current music: "hinterkaifeck" by giles corey
got confronted by my parents about my missing assignments, so that was nice. why is life considered a "gift?" life isn't something i enjoy, it's a burden. nonexistance, now that's a gift. i don't want to continue existing, but i don't want to cease to exist. i wish i never existed at all. that way, i wouldn't have to kill myself. there's no "self" to kill in the first place.
daniel "faglord" perez (yes i am allowed to say that because i am bi, you fucking faggot) has once again sabotaged my mission of passing his class. i tried to go to office hours again and i still couldn't access the document.
i'm scared. mr perez flipped out on me yesterday and sent me this e-mail:
the truth is that i was interrupted by my parents in the middle of class, they were asking me to do something, and i had to leave. i pressed the "exit meeting" button by accident. i tried to get back in but i couldn't. then i tried to go to office hours, and i couldn't access the document for some reason. i sent him a message explaining what happened but he didn't respond.
i also missed an assessment yesterday. i don't know what to do, i don't want to talk to him again. i hate him, he's a little bitch and most of this is his fault anyways. and anyways, what the fuck do you expect when you have no problem failing students and won't let people e-mail you? respect?
current music: "goodbye love...hello heartache" by hanging garden
my math teacher has taken to giving out Desmos homework assignments that range from 14-20 pages long. like mini-tests, almost. i can't keep up with all the work. i downed a disgusting mixture of flat root beer and gin. or at least, what i hope is gin. i found it stashed away in a cupboard in the bathroom so one can't be too sure. i might have just drank rubbing alcohol for all i know. not that i care about my health. i'm such a pussy, i try to drink to cope, and then i feel even worse because it makes me nauseous.
i hate this fucking house so much. i hate my parents, i hate myself, i hate my "job" (i don't actually have a job, i'm a student, but america's education system is basically the equivalent to your average soul-sucking office job, mental health-wise). i know how angsty that sounds, but when i say that i fucking mean it. it kills you inside. every fucking day i wake up staring at the blank white walls of my room, in a house we can't afford, in a neighborhood where we are basically treated as the token "weird family" that never get's invited to anything. i sit in on the couch all day, hunched over, staring at the tiny talking heads on a glowing screen and somehow THIS is supposed to be "the new normal?" is this the american dream? because if so, i reject it.
ok so something happened and i need to talk about it
i'm just gonna "greentext" this
>a few months ago, don’t remember the exact date
>i am a musician
>i get compared to Giles Corey a lot, who happens to be on The Flenser label
>look into the label and the artists on it
>look up their demo policy
>they accept submissions (physical only)
>work up the courage to send my demo to them
>it’s a handmade cassette complete with lyrics sheet and my contact info
>convinced that these guys will “get” my music
>weeks, then months, pass
>they never responded
>flash forward to today
>something sparked my memory, i don’t remember what, and i remember the demo
>visit The Flenser website
>they changed their demo policy
>they changed their fucking demo policy right after i submitted my mine
i know it's not personal (or at least, i hope that it isn't), but it still feels like a punch in the gut.
i don't feel a reason to see the sunrise again
current music: "i wish i would never wake up" by sun devoured earth
my parents go through my grades online and force me to redo any school assignments i get a bad grade on. personally i don't give a shit if i get a bad grade, just passing is enough for me. and i'm focused on english class anyways. today i have to redo a video i made for science class. i never get a fucking break. my feelings don't matter to them. they act like they care. they don't. they only care when it affects them, their image.
i don't want to live with myself anymore
current mood: anxious
current music: "in my blood" by suffocate for fuck sake
i have this horrible sinking feeling in my chest, the kind you get when something really bad is about to happen. i want to throw up. i don't know why. nothing bad happened today. well, nothing that bad. i promised ABD i would call him. i realized i had a missed call from him yesterday. i don't want to call him. we've just been drifting further and further apart lately. it's just a distant memory at this point.
i talked to my therapist today. i told her how i did all the things perez asked me to do and i still have an f. she says i need to confront him about this.
it's in my blood
i'm in your blood
give me life and i will give you death
current music: "happiness is not an option" by no pleasure in life
my parents and i had another zoom meeting with my therapist. my parents won't let me wear a binder. my mom (who is basically a terf) compared it to chinese women being forced to bind their feet and corsets. she thinks it's "self-loathing." no shit it's self-loathing. that's what gender dysphoria is. i told them to their faces that it doesn't matter because i'm just going to end up having a masectomy anyways.
the more they try to tell me that i've been brainwashed by the media (which i haven't, i've always been like this), the more determined i am to transition as soon as i get of this house. mostly because of my crippling dysphoria, but also just to spite them.
current music: "the places you have come to fear the most" by dashboard confessional
i didn't think this was significant or weird enough to put in the dream journal, but i dreamt that i went to my high school IRL (I haven't actually gone to a real class there because of corona) and this girl i had a big crush on in middle school was there. i woke up feeling sad. i regret never asking her out. i think she liked me, she complimented my appearance a lot and once called me "pretty." it's too late now. i had a chance, and i blew it. i never thought i had a chance with her. i hadn't even thought about her until i had that dream, and now i'm all bummed out about it. gee, thanks, subconscious mind. you always make sure to remind me of all my regrets. sigh
i hope that you're happy
you really deserve it
this will be the best for both of us in the end
current music: "end position" by street sects
my parents are having another argument about god knows what. i fucking hate it when they argue in front of me and then get mad when i withdraw and don't want to talk to them, or come up to me and ask me if "something's wrong." yes, something is fucking wrong. why are you acting like you weren't screaming and swearing at each other a few seconds ago? it's all so goddamn tiring.
wake up and say something
do something, make something
pretend to feel something
wait for the day to end
current mood: horny
current music: the lost highway soundtrack
i am extremely fucking horny. i don't know why. it just happened. i'm not sure if i should even be writing about this. but hey, i think i already crossed that line when i started posting long suicidal rants and pictures of my slashed up arms. anyways, i literally woke up in the middle of the night and started jacking off.
do you ever find yourself constructing entire relationships in your head? it's sad, i know. but i'm never satisfied with any of my real life relationships. my current gf, MC, well....she's a prude. now you might think i'm being unfair. "here he goes again, complaining about girls not wanting to indulge in his weird sexual fantasies." no, she's seriously a prude. as in a "we've known each other for years and we still haven't had sex" prude. it's weird, because i KNOW she loves me. i KNOW she cares about me. she's a super sweet girl. i really don't want to be mean. she puts all of this effort into making little handmade presents for me and is very affectionate in other ways. so it baffles me, the sex thing. i'm honestly starting to wonder if she's asexual or something. anyways, ABD was the exact opposite. on one hand, he was great in bed and knew exactly what turned me on. but he's afraid of committment, to the point where it makes me doubt if he ever actually loved me.
i need to find someone else, someone new. but how?
it's not enough, just a touch.
i actually feel really good today. it feels so strange to be happy. it's such an alien feeling. biden won. we're celebrating by having a nice dinner. just good vibes all around i guess.
current music: "the sunshine always fades" by sun devoured earth
someone with a much larger following than me told me that my music is shit, specifically this:
that triggered a minor breakdown. i'm not usually this sensitive, i get comments like this all the time. but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
i've set my instagram and youtube channel to private. that comment made me think about how pathetic i am. i literally have to shill my shit on the internet to get any views or attention. it's not the quality of my music that's the problem. there are plenty of terrible musicians who are famous. it's something that i was born with. it's in my fucking blood, i can't change it. if i had the connections, if i had rich parents, i wouldn't be in this situation right now.
i cut the shit out of myself, and still i literally cannot feel anything. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING FEEL? i need to find another way. i might start drinking or smoking. cutting doesn't work anymore. preferably a sedate. maybe tranquilizers
i will never be the next lingua ignota or uboa. no one will care enough about my music to write/talk about it. my "fans" are literally a couple of people on RYM who added me as a friend back when i still used that website and maybe some hipsters who spend too much time on bandcamp searching for obscure music.
and it doesn't end there. I FUCKING SEE HOW THIS IS GOING TO TURN OUT. THERE'S ONLY ONE FORSEEABLE FUTURE FOR ME, AND IT DOESN'T RESEMBLE A "FUTURE" AT ALL.
i will end up working at a soul-sucking office job just to get by. i will abandon all my hopes and dreams, because being "creative" doesn't mean SHIT in the real world. i will never find love. no one wants to date an ugly tranny freak, much less one who is literally covered in self-inflicted scars. i will still obsess over my first love. eventually i will either rope myself or die of natural causes, alone and forgotten. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE FUCKING "GIFTED" KIDS. THERE IS A PATTERN HERE. DO YOU SEE IT?
current music: "diary" by sunny day real estate
when i say i'm heartbroken, i mean that in a very literal sense. i feel like i literally will never love anyone ever again.
fuck you, ABD. you can't just use me and throw me away. i'm not disposable. i'm not your fucking cumrag. i wonder if your girlfriend knows. i know you'll come crawling back to me if/when you break up with her. but this time i won't degrade myself by letting you fuck me on the side while you wait for the next dime-a-dozen alt chick with purple hair and BPD to come along.
current music: "portraits of dying" by malon
it's been a year since my ex-lover left me for someone else. i know i should just get over it already, but i can't. you don't know how it feels. no one knows how it feels.
people say "there are other fish in the sea." it's not that simple. i've never loved anyone the way the way i loved him. it's just not the same. i connected with him on a deeper level.
when i was suicidal, he was literally the only person who i could talk. he was there when no one else was. he would hold me while i cried. i remember one time he took some duct tape and wrapped up my arms with it so i couldn't cut myself anymore. i did it again today
when he left me, it was like he took a part of me with him. i don't know how to describe it
winter is here. cold feet, warm socks, and stretched sweaters. i’m waiting for “where are you, my dear?”. remember last year? we inhaled the same air but you were happy and i wasn’t all there. i don’t know what love is, i swear. but my broken eyes and charred heart won’t forget you, i swear
i inhale the same crisp air but you’re not here but it’s still here to share. i guess i’ve been chasing shadows but i’ve forgotten how to run. i guess i haven’t been chasing, just laying and waiting and dreading the sun. dreading the dryness that chaps my lips, makes my eyes hurt, tells myself to get a grip
i hate the room that i stay in all day. but i don’t go outside because i’m too afraid. the silence is why i can’t breathe. the silence is why i’m scared of me
am i drowning in the caspian sea? how about some fucking subtly? i’d rather cut my neck than taste the acid from my stomach. i’d rather die than see you sitting across from me, thoughts wandering in happiness when mine aren’t. well, i guess i should be dead already but i’ve been learning how to cope. i’ve been learning to think rather than hope
moving on, clocks quickly tick. everything is fucked, that’s what’s tragic. friendships crumble because we’re toxic
how the fuck did i get so fat? i used to have a 18 bmi, now i have 23 bmi. seriously, i eat barely anything?!!
current music: "four songs" by i hate myself
not to be sexist, but listening to 90s emo/screamo like this makes me want to find whatever thot hurt this guy and beat the shit out of her. well, to be honest, i guess i've already crossed that line. sitting around and listening to this stuff thinking about all of the girls that have betrayed me can't be good for my mental health.
also i've been lurking on /lgbt/ way too much lately and it's destroying my mental health too but now i've gone too far and there's no going back. i feel fucking horrible. you ever have one of those days where you just feel that picture of brendan fraser? you know the one
i'm feeling really stressed out because apparently i was supposed to pick up this kit for a science project and i didn't, and now my teacher is giving me shit about it. i wasn't even told about this?!!! how was i supposed to know?!!! and the last time i went to the school to pick up something i had to wait in a line for literally an hour in the hot sun
i guess this is what it feels like to be blackpilled
current mood: numb
i miss the comfort of being sad
me and LS both went as plague doctors for halloween. not much candy, obviously. we went home pretty quickly. we watched clone high again, then just chilled and talked about life.
feeling extremely dysphoric today. sometimes i post pictures of myself on /lgbt/. i don't know why i do it. i always get told the same thing. i think it's a form of self-harm for me. hey, at least i'm not one of those deluded reddit trannies, right?
i don't know what's wrong with me. something must have happened to me to make me hate my sexual characteristics so much. i wasn't abused. i wish i could just accept it somehow.
i wish i had the motivation to write a song venting about it. but i feel like i've used up every possible combination of words that is out there. i have nothing left to say.
i've had this weird feeling for the last few weeks. like there's a hole inside my heart. seriously, my chest feels physically cold and empty. sometimes i feel like it's a wind tunnel. like there's cold air running through my veins. it reminds me of when i was little, autumn, thanksgiving ceremonies. the brisk air and the dead leaves on the ground. the smell of petrichor and fields for miles.
sometimes i imagine myself merging into the earth. just lying down and letting it consume me. the vines and thorns wrapping around my body. until i am nothing more than a distant memory. a home for the worms
current mood: neutral
i spoke to a pretty prominent artist in the experimental hip-hop scene today, over DMs. we were discussing a possible collab. apparently now he's charging $150 for a feature (even though he was charging $100 like a month ago lol). he's not even that popular in the wide scope of things, his most popular video got like 35k views. but i guess narcissism is to be expected when you're already somewhat of a cult figure at such a young age (which he is). at the end of the day, he's one getting to fuck hot goth chicks while i'm sitting at home obsessively monitoring my bandcamp stats hoping that someone will pay attention to me.
whatever. i'm not that bummed about it. i'm already working on a split with a bigger band.
current mood: neutral
current music: n/a
finally talked to a doctor about the headaches. apparently i'm having tension headaches and i need to meditate and take ibuprophen. she said people who are prone these types of headaches typically have them for the rest of their lives. so yeah. *sigh*
on an unrelated note, i'm scared. i have unreleased material for miles. 2 splits, 6 EPs, 1 compilation, and 9 albums worth, to be specific. but i'm terrified that i have run out of ideas. my hope is that this project will create more, bigger opportunities for me in the future, musically. but i'm not sure if that will ever happen.
i've been reading a lot about sol pais/dissolvedgirl lately. if you're a on this website in the first place, chances are you already know the story. if you don't, you're in for a wild ride. i'm not going to in depth about it/her here for reasons that should be obvious.
seeing her and learning about who she was as a person makes me sad. i know it's cliche and narcissistic and probably false, but i can't help but think "i could have saved her." it's clear, especially after reading her diary entries, that she didn't want to hurt anyone. she was beautiful and smart. she could have been a model. she could probably have anything in the world if she wanted to. why?
perhaps it's the destiny of someone like her, to die in their prime, forever preserved like a taxidermy specimen in a glass jar.
she died alone and cold in the forest. i wonder what that must be like, to have those be your last moments. i often fantasize about dying that way. if i were going to kill myself, i would do the same. the setting has to be right. complete solitude. peace.
sol means sun and is a pretty common name in latin america, also sometimes using as the dimminutive version to soledad which means....loneliness.
current mood: stressed
the headaches are back. i have been having headaches for the past few months. i only have them on weekdays, almost never on weekends. this leads me to believe that they may be stress-induced.
on the bright side, i am working on a split.
i don't want to sound ungrateful but i really wish people would explore my discography beyond my first EP. it's become somewhat of a tourist attraction to RYM avant-teens and i'm afraid when i drop my full-length no one will care. i'm glad and suprised that it got as much attention as it did, but i also feel trapped by hatred and the way it was received a little. i don't want to be seen as "le sPoOoKy 14 year old musician." i'm not a gimmick or a novelty act.
in other, more serious news, i've been thinking about time, and how it flies. time seems to move so quickly nowadays. i wish i could go back somehow, so badly. i've spent so much of my time thinking about exactly where and why things went wrong for me and every answer falls. like sand falling through your hands. i wish i could just reach out into the void of my psyche and grab a cohesive, clear, answer. but then i look back, and i realize i was the one who ruined my own childhood. i ruined any chance i had of having a social life. i alienated everyone around me...on purpose. but why? why would i do that to myself? i don't know. i was so, so stupid.
i wasn't always like this
i had a pretty good day today actually. it was record store day, so me, my parents, and one of my dad's friends went to the record store together. i didn't buy anything at the record store but i got a new journal and a graphic novel called gloomcookie at the bookstore nearby. then i went to my friend LS's house and we watched clone high and the owl house together.
yesterday was MC's (my girlfriend) birthday so i got to see her and that was nice
my neck really hurts though and i don't know why :(
i feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. i was just told by a teacher that my grade in biology went from a B to a C in like a week because i haven't been doing the exit tickets and missed the wednesday assessment and makeup last week. i'm looking at my grades right now in schoology, and i don't even recognize the names of these assessments that i supposedly didn't do. i wasn't even aware of them. there's a gap in my memory. what's wrong with me? am i just stupid?
also everyone in my class thinks i'm a girl and i'm too afraid to speak up because then they'll know. at my last school, someone who hated me found out, and he used it to make my life hell. my second EP was partially written about him.
those years...they haunt me. no, it's not my memories that haunt me. it's the ghost of my past self that haunts me, a constant reminder that deep down i will always be the same socially inept, unloveable, loser i was back then. i guess it won't come as a surprise to anyone that i was "the weird kid" in middle school. had really bad behavioral issues and just didn't know when to stop. other kids didn't get my sense of humor, plus i would shove my interests down other people's throats. not to mention i also had terrible hygeine, which was also a side effect of my depression. like some sort of mini chris chan. textbook autism, basically (even though i was never diagnosed)
i still remember the time when i snuck a peak at my report card. the teachers basically used it as an excuse to complain about me. they said stuff like "he goes on and on about things other kids don't care about" and that "he doesn't understand why other kids don't like him." that last part, especially, hurt. not just because it basically confirmed my biggest insecurity/fear (being unloved) but also because they assumed i didn't know. i did know and understand why the other kids didn't like me. i'm not stupid, you know.
they didn't physically attack me. no, they were too chickenshit to do something like that. but they made sure to make to let me know i didn't belong there. every second of every day. it's the little things that count. the whispers and giggles in the hallways. the way that they would throw trash in the bathroom stall i was in, or bang on the door. the things they say about you. never to your face, but behind your back, from across the room. you'd hear it from a supposedly well-meaning friend or just some clueless, nosy idiot who doesn't know how to mind their own business.
it's weird. it's like there's a hole in my heart where your childhood memories and nostalgia are supposed to go. i tend to refer to my childhood in the past tense, even though i'm technically still a child. sometimes i wonder if i have some sort of repressed trauma. SOMETHING must have happened in my youth to make me feel so empty and lost from such a young age. but what? yeah, i got bullied throughout my entire life, but everyone got bullied as a kid. the bullying wasn't even that bad in retrospect. no, i'm just weak. i let it get to me. i let them win. wherever eddy garcia is now, i hope he knows that he won. congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel just as hollow and broken as you.
the future is uncertain. i'm scared. scared that nothing will ever be normal or the same ever again
i don't know what to say
i did it again today
current mood: numb
i feel empty inside
i hate my face so much. i will always be doomed to look half my age. so fat and disgusting
i want to start cutting again but my arms are covered in scars and i don't want more
i feel like pure shit rn because i just realized one of the guys who bullied me in middle school is a more successful musician than i am, and his music is ass. i guess it really is true that all you need to "make it" as a musician these days is a rich family and connections in the industry, and i have neither of those things. *sigh*
i don't know how people just l i v e.
i don't know how to fucking do this. a few days ago my teacher asked me what job i want to get and i don't fucking know why or how to even get a job or how any of this works. i can't imagine what it's like to be an adult. i don't want to be a wageslave, i want to live my life and enjoy the tiny insignificant existance i was given on this earth